Wednesday, March 16, 2011

De-victimizing Victims

We all have them in our lives sooner or know, people who fancy themself the Designated Victim.  Everything *happens to them*, as though the powers that be conspire daily & directly to make their life miserable....just for the sport of it.  It's like a mental disease!

Well, I have just one such person in my vicinity, not by choice, but more by geography...nothing I can do about it...except move.  I found myself constantly (for years!) avoiding this person, actually altering my daily patterns to avoid the dreaded (and planned on their part!) *run-in* with this person, who I can be sure (and am never disappointed!) will dump another monster-sized load of whoa-is-me on me and attempt to guilt me into giving them something to ease their misery, if only a rapt ear for huge chunks of crying time. 

Well, out of frustration and anger, I finally owned up to the reality that this person is OWNING me by doing this!  And. I'm. exhausted. of. it.  This is not a choice on my part to be a callous hardass or uncaring person.  It's caring enough for myself, AND the other person, to no longer facilitate them not taking responsibility for their own life.  Some people can become so into playing their "victim" games, and living out their *learned* pattern of interacting/suckering people who often oblige them by sympathizing and (yes, out of guilt) giving them things, that it actually floors Professional Victim when instead of joining in the pity-party, you WOW- suggest something productive they could do to remedy their misery, and then later ask them if they indeed HAVE done anything about it!  EXPECT them to be accountable for helping themself!  What a concept! 

This has become my new weapon against all that I dread about this person: cheerily and happily suggesting productive things THEY can do to make their life better....not stopping long enough to get dragged into a time-consuming re-hashing of it.  I want my freedom to move about, unaccosted by this person again!

We ALL have problems.  Just because some of us don't talk about them ad nauseum doesn't mean we don't have them, or that they aren't as significant as something you think you are suffering. But what do you DO about them? Our thoughts and beliefs create and influence our reality...and it is up to each of us to make the best of whatever circumstances we create for ourselves, and learn the lessons in whatever struggles we encounter.  If nothing is learned, we're destined to repeat them. Playing victim insults those around you, as well as yourself by *choosing* to play that role...especially in a never-ending lifestyle. felt like a long overdue breakthrough to me, to break-out of old mindsets that were drilled into my head from youth that *you must help those less fortunate than you*.  That really only works if the one who needs helping, helps themself.  Otherwise you only create a dependent and Professional Victim. 

But it's never too late to change your own response.

Day by day, moment by moment, we create our own reality: our present, our past, our future.
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